More on the Process or How do you follow up a big heavy blog post?

Soooo, the though processes are still going. If anything, I can almost feel the cogs whirring and little gears ticking into place. Very little ones but, just like a clock, there are lots of little parts to me and they all work together to achieve one thing. In me, that's being happy.

It's been hard to work out how to keep blogging after writing such an emotion laden post but I was so truly bolstered by the genuine, heartfelt comments left and emails received that I thought I should have a go.

I've joined up for Michelle Bridge's 12WBT (12 Week Body Transformation). I have numerous real life friends who have completed one, if not more, rounds of this program and they all express such enthusiasm and support that it's hard not to be infected with their positivity.

So that's what I've done. I'm infected. Apparently with that crazy exercise bug. It really doesn't suit me right now but when I fully acknowledge that I weigh 111kg, I'm sure it will grow on me (pardon the pun).

And a comment I made this morning really reflected how my thinking is slowly, ever minutely, changing. I was down the beach at 7am this morning with my melon head dog Banjo, my good friend Kelly and her big boofa Pyrenean, Beau. We were discussing fitness and how I was going with the preseason tasks for 12WBT. I said, "But now I'm going to have to stop thinking of myself as the depressed girl.". SO telling. Yep. I have been depressed for so long and down and sad and miserable that it's habit. It's how I see myself.

Not for much longer. Yep. Not much at all.

Random lotus photo taken in Bali last year. Because really, what photo goes with the blathering above?

Wow

Thank you for your messages of support and encouragement all. I do truly appreciate it.

Life has given me a couple of slaps upside the head in the last day or so with a couple of dear friends going through some really bad personal experiences. This is how it goes. I am so down and so low then life reminds me I need to pick myself up and help other people. That's my job. It's what I do. I love doing it.

So onwards and upwards. Yesterday, having a quiet day at home with my daughter after a couple of full on days with friends, my daughter lauded the 'I hate you Mummy' phrase three times. First time, I let it slide right off. Second time, I gave her the 'Don't talk to your Mother like that' line. Third time, I weilded the full extent of the law and banned TV all day today.

It's going to be a long day. I think I'll hide in my studio and sew.

Aiming to finish off this little number today.

It's Not Me

I hurt inside.
I hurt a lot and I dislike myself immensely sometimes.
Other times I think I am absolutely fabulous and feel about 40% motivated. That's the high times.

I have just read on the interwebs that the medication I take, sertraline, to treat my PMDD (PreMenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) causes apathy and loss of motivation.

I have spent the last four or so months hating on myself, thinking I was the reason for losing my sewing mojo. Thinking I was slack and a lazy person for not getting stuck into my craft and business every day. For not wanting to bother about keeping the house clean. For losing motivation on things I'd start when I was feeling good.

I am experiencing a side effect from my medication which is treating my anger and anxiety and it's causing a different type of anger at myself and stress about my apathy.

I sit here with tears in my eyes and a sad soul as I feel that I have been hating myself unnecessarily. I'm not the cause of my apathy. I'm not the bad person for being lazy and tired and unmotivated.

I've been trying to fix myself and that treatment has been kicking me in the ass behind my back.

I've had enough.

It's time to change this.

I'm pressing publish before I hate myself enough to delete this.

Causing a scene

Sometimes when you are bored at home and have nothing else to do on a 38 degree day, you might consider doing this... 

A major water mains pipe had broken in our neighbourhood. I saw the SES volunteers working out in the heat and thought it might be nice to hand them some icypoles to cool down considering they had been on site since 2am that morning.


One slip in some silty mud and there I was causing further chaos. Long story short, the icypoles were handed out, I got a ride in an ambulance and now have a great story to tell the grandkids. So that's me up there in the photo, under the blanket which was protecting me from the sun. 


A big thanks to the Enfield, SA, division of the State Emergency Service for the professional and friendly way they looked after me.