Monday, 10 May 2010

The storm before the calm.


Sometimes things happen and make you think. About the real-ness of things. Like a very supportive email I received from someone I have badged a friend and refuse to let her think any other way. Like that same friend's talk she gave about the 'real-ness' of blogs. Like this last week that has just gone by. I have needed to stop and think and assess.

I live with PMDD - Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Well don't lots of women get PMS, you ask? Yes, PMS sucks elephant butts big time and I used to experience PMS and hated it too.

Since the birth of my daughter, after being challenged with Post Natal Depression, I experience, suffer, live through, hate, subject my family to PMDD. When I used to get PMS I would get a little cranky, get some belly cramps, eat maybe a little bit more chocolate in the week before I got my period, maybe get a headache too. Nothing too earth shattering.

Now the week before my period life is Absolutely Crap. To the point where I would much prefer to spend those 7 - 10 days holed up in a room by myself so I wouldn't have to deal with anything. I could just lie there and breathe in and breathe out and that would be it. I wouldn't have to deal with being a crap parent, crap wife, crap house keeper, crap friend, crap individual full stop.

Living with PMDD means the emotional and mindset changes are so overwhelming that my life is completely disrupted to the point that I get scared for myself. The emotional changes mean that I completely dislike, even hate, myself. My social world shrinks dramatically as I feel I'm not worthy of the friends I have. My eating patterns are completely disrupted (but that's another post). I manage to keep my parenting shuffling along on what I feel is a basic standard. After all, that is my main life measure. That is what I am here to do. To be a good parent for my daughter. I can lose my bundle on everything else but I can't lose it too much with her. That's just a tiny insight into what my experience of PMDD is like. I won't scare you all off at the starting post just yet.

And usually, the day after I get my period, my symptoms disappear and I'm back to normal. Well, as normal as I am which isn't so normal to start with! And life goes on until the next month...

So why am I talking about this on my Silly Gilly blog? As I mentioned before in this post and in my previous post, I have felt for some time that I have been wanting this blog to be more real. Less posts of the 'My house is always immaculately tidy, and I wear an apron all the time to keep my starched dress clean and I greet my husband at the door with delectable hors dourves every evening' type.

I have also been really inspired by Loralee who tells her story in the most honest and thought provoking way. Loralee writes without apology for her style or her words or her humour. I really admire her gumption. I respect that she tells others how her life really is.

So where am I at right now? On the slide out of PMDD week waiting for a doctors appointment (that was delayed a week due to a scheduling issue on the doctors behalf) trying to get back to some sense of normality and routine again.

Please know that this isn't an excuse. This isn't an excuse for anything at all. Simply an explanation as to why I do some things. Why there are lulls in my posting. Why I am not the friend I should be some times. And it's the start of me being honest. And real. And truthful to myself.

So how does one finish a post like this? Who knows!!?? Maybe I'll just end with that!


clare's craftroom said...

Fantastic ! Good for you ! Take care of yourself we're all still here .

beccasauras said...

Wow, a really REAL post. Inspired maybe by Jodie's talk on Saturday? I too like to honest pics, with washing everywhere and dust bunnies rolling with the tumbleweeds under the bed. I actually haven't heard of PMDD, only bad PMS, being a midwife and maternal nurse I'll keep it in my brain now. I want to give you a big hug- which I didn't do on Sat, being so frantic running around the show! So accept this cyberhug, and feel relieved i'll understand when you don't post, i'll miss you, but i'll understand.
PS Go and squeeze Banjo for me, he looks so soft!!

Loralee Choate said...


(You, too may post photos in your swimsuit of your jiggly thigh fat for all the world to see! No? Ok, we'll stick with this for now. :) And it's such a good post. So sorry for the trouble you go through. It's a terrible disorder.xo)

Vicki said...

thanks you for your openess and frankness..
I can only say i live with sever depression and thank you for being open and inspiring me not to be ashamed of it..
If i can be bold and recommend a book? Liveg Loving and learning by Leo Busgalia... a quote that touched me was
you are the perfect you, you are the only one of you that will ever and has ever exhisted... well something like that
take care
blightest blessings to you and yours
Vicki xxx

Natalie said...

Oh Gillian, I had no idea that you had to go through this. A huge hug for you and for being so bravely honest to share your feelings with us as well. All the best with your drs appointment, I hope you can work out a solution or at least something to help. xx

Nikki said...

And you travelled interstate with a pre-schooler....?! Brave girl in real life as well as blog world.

Love and hugs - xxn

rachelmp said...

xx xx I hope the doctors help x

jodie said...

Gilly, I'm wearing that friend badge with pride....

You are an amazing woman- simple as that.

clare's craftroom said...

I must have stuffed up my comment the other day , I do wish you all the very best .

Annie said...

love and a big hug from me

Jessi said...

sounds absolutely debilitating gilly! mental/hormonal disorders are just the most unspoken about, stigma fuelled disorders, and i am glad you could use your voice and share with the "world". wish i could be so brave!!!


Megs said...

Have to say thank you for this post. I read it and thought it sounded very similar to something a dear friend is going through. I linked her and she agreed. I know it's a huge relief to her to have a name for it and not feel like she's going crazy each month. Thank you.

Ping said...

Wow. I was blog surfing and found this ... and recognised a lot of what you say. My already-bad PMS just got a whole lot worse, and I've been unable to function properly and am quite scared by it.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Trash said...

Belatedly I come to the table and just want to say - you go girl!

(hahahahahaha, word verification is 'hoooning'!!)

Cathy {Tinniegirl} said...

Gosh this sounds intense. I can't imagine dealing with this every month, over and over again. I get really bad PMS so my heart goes out to you Gillian. And I think you're so very brave to share your story.