Sometimes things happen and make you think. About the real-ness of things. Like a very supportive email I received from someone I have badged a friend and refuse to let her think any other way. Like that same friend's talk she gave about the 'real-ness' of blogs. Like this last week that has just gone by. I have needed to stop and think and assess.
I live with PMDD - Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Well don't lots of women get PMS, you ask? Yes, PMS sucks elephant butts big time and I used to experience PMS and hated it too.
Since the birth of my daughter, after being challenged with Post Natal Depression, I experience, suffer, live through, hate, subject my family to PMDD. When I used to get PMS I would get a little cranky, get some belly cramps, eat maybe a little bit more chocolate in the week before I got my period, maybe get a headache too. Nothing too earth shattering.
Now the week before my period life is Absolutely Crap. To the point where I would much prefer to spend those 7 - 10 days holed up in a room by myself so I wouldn't have to deal with anything. I could just lie there and breathe in and breathe out and that would be it. I wouldn't have to deal with being a crap parent, crap wife, crap house keeper, crap friend, crap individual full stop.
Living with PMDD means the emotional and mindset changes are so overwhelming that my life is completely disrupted to the point that I get scared for myself. The emotional changes mean that I completely dislike, even hate, myself. My social world shrinks dramatically as I feel I'm not worthy of the friends I have. My eating patterns are completely disrupted (but that's another post). I manage to keep my parenting shuffling along on what I feel is a basic standard. After all, that is my main life measure. That is what I am here to do. To be a good parent for my daughter. I can lose my bundle on everything else but I can't lose it too much with her. That's just a tiny insight into what my experience of PMDD is like. I won't scare you all off at the starting post just yet.
And usually, the day after I get my period, my symptoms disappear and I'm back to normal. Well, as normal as I am which isn't so normal to start with! And life goes on until the next month...
So why am I talking about this on my Silly Gilly blog? As I mentioned before in this post and in my previous post, I have felt for some time that I have been wanting this blog to be more real. Less posts of the 'My house is always immaculately tidy, and I wear an apron all the time to keep my starched dress clean and I greet my husband at the door with delectable hors dourves every evening' type.
I have also been really inspired by Loralee who tells her story in the most honest and thought provoking way. Loralee writes without apology for her style or her words or her humour. I really admire her gumption. I respect that she tells others how her life really is.
So where am I at right now? On the slide out of PMDD week waiting for a doctors appointment (that was delayed a week due to a scheduling issue on the doctors behalf) trying to get back to some sense of normality and routine again.
Please know that this isn't an excuse. This isn't an excuse for anything at all. Simply an explanation as to why I do some things. Why there are lulls in my posting. Why I am not the friend I should be some times. And it's the start of me being honest. And real. And truthful to myself.
So how does one finish a post like this? Who knows!!?? Maybe I'll just end with that!